Suggestions for Improving the Style of
Summaries Submitted to the
Tanglewood Research Prevention Knowledge Base
Researchers sometimes have difficulty writing for lay readers. Use the following examples as you consider how the sentence structure of your summary may be altered to improve readability. This is, by no means, an exhaustive style analysis. However, we hope the examples will help you as you write your summary.
Example 1:
| Weaker | In terms of school performance, the experimental students showed significant improvements in GPA from preintervention to postintervention. |
| Stronger | Students in the Personal Growth Class showed significant improvements in school performance. Students' GPA increased from pretest to posttest. |
Analysis: In the weaker version, the phrase "In terms of school performance," is an indirect lead in. The phrase "preintervention to postintervention" is a wordy way to say "pretest to posttest" which is more standard throughout the Prevention Knowledge Base. Breaking the one long sentence into two sentences simplifies the language for the reader.
Example 2:
| Weaker | The cigarette smoking of peers was found to be a positive predictor of the frequency and quantity of student smoking. |
| Stronger | Greater cigarette use by close friends was related to increased quantity and frequency of cigarette smoking among participants. |
Analysis: "Positive" and "negative" effects are difficult to understand (e.g., "positive" is viewed as "ideal" or "beneficial"). State the nature or direction of the relationship clearly.
Example 3:
| Weaker | The first study assessed the relationship between a student's drinking and the student's beliefs about the normative drinking of others. The second study sought to determine whether the normative beliefs regarding the drinking of their close friends would more closely match the students' own drinking patterns than would the perceived normative drinking of a more distant reference group (e.g., "students in general"). |
| Stronger | The first study examined how students' drinking related to their expectations of how friends and students in general would drink. The second study compared beliefs about close friends against beliefs about students in general. |
Analysis: Jargon was dropped. The sentences were simplified.
Example 4:
| Weaker | Results from Study I indicate that, in general, students view their close friends as drinking larger quantities of alcohol per occasion but not more frequently than they do. |
| Stronger | Students believed their close friends consumed more alcohol than they did when they drank. People in general were rated as drinking lower quantities and less frequently than oneself. |
Analysis: Readers are interested in the findings themselves, not with the details of how they were produced. Complex concepts can be simplified by breaking contradictory thoughts into two sentences.
Example 5:
| Weaker | In regards to bonding, the self-esteem of the experimental subjects improved while the controls did not change. |
| Stronger | Personal Growth Class students improved in feelings of attachment to the school (school bonding) and their self-esteem. Control students did not demonstrate a change in school bonding or self-esteem. |
Analysis: The writer implies that bonding is self-esteem. In the article, both were separately measured. The reference to "the experimental group" is changed to refer to the specific experimental procedure. "Control group" and "Control students" is retained as a name. Specificity of outcomes was improved.
Example 6:
| Weaker | Maternal alcohol problems and criminality were significantly correlated with substance abuse among the males in this study. |
| Stronger | Having a mother with alcohol problems and a history of criminal behavior placed the males in this study at greater risk of developing substance abuse problems. |
Analysis: Significant correlations are discussed in terms of the relationships they represent. Relationships are described in simple terms.
Example 7:
| Weaker | Student-teacher relationship predicted change in bonding, but only for the students who where taught by their regular classroom teachers. |
| Stronger | Students who reported positive relationships with their teacher exhibited greater change in bonding. However, this was only true for those students who received the curriculum from their regular classroom teachers. The student-teacher relationship was unrelated to changes in bonding for those students taught by a health specialist. |
Analysis: Prediction (and predictors) is discussed in terms of relationships between study variables. Complex relationships or interactions are broken down in to several sentences using simpler terms.